Fantasy, believe it or not, has the ability to become reality, what you long for has a way of turning up in the end, and wishful thinking really does do wonders. And as I write this I can’t help but think about the fantasy in my life about to become reality in a matter of hours: it was a moment at disneyland I never would have thought would end up like this, a quick exchange of information through a friend, and the message that resulted in the end. Fate willed this fantasy to live in another state and yet fate gently told the two to talk anyways. And now tomorrow I’ll be visited by this boy. What will become of it? I don’t know, but all that matters is that things happen and even though you don’t always know the reasons or the outcomes it makes you cherish the beauty of fate and life around you.
+ 14
I feel like the next few months are vital to my survival. It sounds dramatic, but when I say survival I don’t mean death, I mean living the life I feel like I have always wanted to live. I settle. I break. I bend. And I don’t want to do this anymore, but I’ve spent almost a duration of a year trying to return to that person I was before. And I don’t know why it’s been so damn hard. I hate the person I’ve become. Shy and awkward. Weak and little. I have never been so self-conscious of almost every aspect of my life before. I watch almost everything I say. I watch how I act. I’m scared that even the most simple of people won’t like me. But why should I care? I didn’t used to. I lived my life for me and no one else. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to get that back. This has been a rant and I am sorry if you read it.
+ 15
I think having passion is one of the most beautiful characteristics a person can posses. It shows wonder and wisdom, captivation and discipline, but most of all it shows happiness. The way their eyes light up at the subject, the way they articulate just how much they love it, the way their face looks after they suddenly realize they’ve been rambling and they’re embarrassed. There’s an innocence to passion, a reward, but most of all there’s beauty in the happiness that it creates.
+ 54
I know the last date that changed my life. I remember the last time someone walked into my life that I wanted more than anything to stay, but they didn’t. Like everyone else they walked away, but this one hurt more than all the others because I felt like I gave myself to this person. Fully and completely I handed over my heart. There was no gift wrap, no receipt. It was just me. And today I realized that I give myself away far too freely. No one has ever had to work for me. No one has ever had to charm me. There were moments that drew us together. I confused fiction with fate. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I want someone to prove to me that I am worth it. I want someone to have to court me, to win me over. I don’t want to fall and have them leave just because the thrill of the chase is gone. I want to stop hurting. I want to feel something with someone again instead of always being the one to run away.
+ 29
I care. Sometimes that’s my problem. I care a little too much. I would go to the end of the earth to protect the person I love and I feel like 90 percent of the time it’s not reciprocated It makes you feel a little under-appreciated, but most of all it makes you feel unloved.
+ 62
I want to share every aspect of my life with you. I want to hold hands with you in public, get stares and looks, and not give a care in the world because the feelings I have for you are out of this world. I want to watch movies and go through a mixture of emotions: tears, stress, laughter, and hate. I want to know the gentle curve of your back and the scruff on your face. I see others, maybe, like this and I am jealous. I am jealous because you are not here to inspire a text post of yet another lonely blogger. Thus, instead, I am writing as one.
+ 29
One night you wrote to me these words, “let’s go somewhere where we can wear shorts, big loose shirts, and oversized sunglasses. Somewhere where there will be crisp air and beautiful music for us to dance to. A place where we won’t care what people think because you and I will be in our own world, and the people who watch us will think we smile because we know something they do not, but really we are just free and content with each other. We can eat fruit while we drive. We can talk continuously for hours, jam out obnoxiously to music, and at times share a comfortable silence without feeling the desperate desire to fill it with noise. We will make forts out of the sheets at our hotels and watch movies and cuddle. In the morning we will get coffee, breakfast, and share the newspaper. At night we will cool off in pools, floating around the surface like water lilies. This is what I want,” you said. “This is what I want with you.” And to this day I believe it to be one of the sweetest things I have ever been told. I wish that tonight I could hold you in my arms and take away your pain, gently kissing your forehead and whipping away your tears. For you I would carry the world and a thousand burdens if it meant your happiness. For sometimes I wish my heart belonged to you, Arizona.
+ 15
Do you ever just wish someone would fall in love you? But not just any love. The kind of love you never get over, first love. So tangled up in you that can’t envision their lives without you. They are out at sea drowning in you, surrounded by you. Their kiss is electric, their touch almost feels forbidden, and their presence seems to mold itself to fit your shape. But there’s a twist, you’re not the one who has fallen more, you don’t love them back. And yet this is what you wished for, someone to fall in love with you. But your wish was never vindictive or mean. You just wanted to feel the kind of love you are always the one to give.
+ 68
Results don’t happen overnight. It will be a struggle in the beginning, discouraging even when results don’t happen as quickly as you’d like them too; however, let this only add to your motivation. Soon you will notice your hard work paying off, but you have to push past the first initial step. It takes 3 weeks to make something a habit, 4 weeks to begin to notice differences in yourself, 8 weeks for your family and friends that you see often, and around 12 weeks for people you don’t see very often. Keep at it and you’ll get the results you want. This should be motivation enough.
+ 24
I want a boy to try to win me over. I want a boy who won’t give up when I get scared, who will show up at my work with flowers and something special. I want a boy who will tell me his fears, his dreams, and what he wants out of life. I want a boy who wants to go out and party, who wants to stay home and cuddle with a cute movie. I want a boy with balance, who know’s what he wants, and is mature enough to go after it.
+ 73
Sometimes all someone needs is for someone to not give up on them. Someone who is persistant, who understands that they’ve been hurt before, and that this hurt is so deeply rooted even they themselves don’t understand just how much it affects their actions.
+ 88
You have to really want it to obtain it. Stop saying “I wish” and start saying “I do.” It takes 3 weeks for something to become habit. Start today. Muster up enough motivated, change your life, and get the body you “wish” you had. Wishing won’t accomplish anything, but working hard for it will.
+ 24
I’ve noticed that if you can look hot in sweatpants you can pretty much look hot in anything. New fitness goal: do just that.
+ 26
You’re going to have some work to do when we finally meet. Only once have I ever torn down these walls, but even then in the summer of a time that feels so distant from now they weren’t entirely gone. And these walls have had seven months to be built back up again. And these walls have only allowed so much sunlight in, have only allowed so much time to heal again. These walls have grown like hedges left untouched. Far too tall, and in the midst of it all, I have lost track of where the top has gone. I will be terrified of chance and my brain will be ruthless, but you can’t give up. Because if you give up I just might give up too.
+ 20
Lately I’ve felt really unhappy, almost like something is missing. I’m not entirely sure what it is that’s missing, but it feels an awful lot like happiness. I’m not entirely sure where this feeling came from, but I suppose it’s from what I lack. And lately I’ve lacked the motivation to pick myself up. I suppose I’m allowing myself to dwell in this moment of weakness to make me stronger, but I can’t find the silver lining right now. I feel as though I’m not properly living. I spend my time consumed with work and hardly any reward. I spend my time trying to put my life back together after a life altering summer. And I’ve accomplished so much since then that I’m confused as to why I feel as though I’ve reverted. I don’t know why I’m writing you, but I suppose it helps to know where a person comes from, what a person has gone through. So maybe someday you will read this and you will hug me because of the pain I have endured. And I will smile, a weak smile, in reflection, but just like that it will be gone because I can only hope that in the future I am happy. Not just happy because of you, but happy because the life I am living is finally for me.
+ 20
